...Mancini loses his cool

Following recent complaints from several eyewitnesses Manchester City manager Roberto Mancini has had his cool confiscated in a dramatic dawn raid on his Manchester home. A police spokesperson said: “The cool was found stuffed inside a mattress along with a contraband guide to scarf-knotting and an illegally imported overcoat deemed too well-tailored to have been obtained in the UK.”


Her Majesty's Department of Cool have charged Mancini with gross misuse of the privilege of cool bestowed on him as an Italian visitor to the UK and have set a date for his appearance at the Court of Cool.

Mancini would have been appointed as manager of Manchester City much earlier than December last year but for the prolonged legal wrangling over his license to cool. A Manchester Airport security guard said: “Italian managers such as Fabio Capello have been allowed access in the past on the agreement that they surrender the privilege to act cool at any time.

“However when Mancini attempted to make the same pledge with one thumb tucked under his belt buckle whilst puffing nonchalantly on a Cuban cigar, an undercover DOC agent raised the alarm. Mancini was eventually granted a cool on the condition that he upheld the conditions of it throughout his visit to the UK.”

But this was not to be the case. Enrico Suarez, a freelance advisor to the DOC said: “While initially ticking all boxes of the DoC’s fit and proper persons test with the obligatory consummate ease, several suspicious events prompted the launch of a covert surveillance operation against Mr Mancini. Firstly the nickname of ‘Bobby Manc’ bestowed upon him threatened to seriously undermine his ability to fulfil the quota of cool required under the terms of his contract with the DOC, although admittedly this was not entirely of his doing.

“Then Mancini was pictured wearing what can only be described as a ‘parka’ jacket. The DOC tweaked up their alert coding up from paisley to fuschia amidst a collective tut from inside the official building, and Mancini’s cool seemed to have its days numbered.”

However, events last week proved to be the final straw for Mancini’s cool. With his side trailing 2-0 to Everton, a team threatening to beat City to the coveted fourth spot in the Premier League table and so seriously jeopardising the likelihood of a contract renewal with the DOC, Mancini lost it. He must have known it was only a matter of time before the DOC caught up with him.

Officers say when they burst into his bedroom after first locating the cool Mancini was a broken man, weeping into the dishevelled, once perfect knot of his old blue and white scarf.

...little David Beckham to miss school trip

I know I’m a big boy now and I’ve been trying not to cry but I’m still dead upset that I can’t go on the school trip to South Africa. Even though I got a gold star from the nurse for being brave my leg still really really really hurts, and it won’t be better in time.


I’m a bit older than most of the boys now and I know I can’t join in as much as the other summer trips I’ve been on, but Mr Capello said there would be some things I could help out with and said I could come because I’m always a good boy. He said I wasn’t too old to help out with deliveries for the trip and that I’m still as good at that as anyone.

He said as well that I could help Mr Pearce to safely prepare Emile for the other boys to feed off. Everyone knows that Emile is never dangerous really but if you do the right preparation boys like little Jermain Defoe in class N17 can feed off Emile for 90 or even 120 minutes and this can help him to have fun in South Africa!

Also some of the younger boys might need some advice with flying on the wings. Depending on whether their Mummies will let them go, Shaun Wright-Phillips in class M11, Theo Walcott in N5 and Aaron Lennon from Defoe’s class might all need help and advice from me before they get on the plane. It’s frightening to fly without your Mummy and Daddy to begin with but you get used to it, especially me after my big trips to Japan and Korea and Germany.

That was good because I was allowed to take my toy dog Wag with me to keep me company on the plane and to sleep with me at night. But that was when Mr Eriksson was headmaster. Now Mr Capello, the new headmaster, has said the boys aren’t allowed to take anything like that this time as it might distract them. But I didn’t really sleep with Wag much anyway because she’s old and baggy now and she’s really starting to smell. But I’ve had her ever since I was a very little boy and I don't want to throw her away no matter how ugly everyone says she is.

So me and Wag are going to have to stay at home. I might see if I can have Wayne Bridge over for tea. He’s not hurt at all and even though he did have a fight with John Terry in SW6 nobody can understand why he doesn’t want to go to South Africa. He’s a bigger boy like me and it might be his last chance too.

...how do you solve a problem like Madrid?

The fact that Real Madrid, recognised by FIFA as the most successful football club of the last century, have not managed to reach the quarter finals of the Champions League since 2004 is almost unbelievable. The team that swept all others aside as they won the competition three times in six years at the turn of the millennium are now unable to surpass a team such as Lyon, who have been struggling in Ligue 1 by their standards this season.


So what has changed since Real last lifted the cup in 2002? The club have lost players like Zinedine Zidane and Roberto Carlos, but even they did not leave until some time after (2006 and 2007 respectively). In my opinion the finger of blame can be pointed directly at the club presidency, both the presidents as individuals and the system that allows them so much power.

Each manager (or more accurately head coach given the nature of the hierarchy) that has been brought in have had the players to challenge for the Champions League, but have not had enough time to shape the team in their image. Requirements such as always playing ultra-attacking football and Raul’s untouchable position in the team (as well as his reported influence in the dressing room) mean that managers have often had their hands tied. Also the knowledge that they will probably be sacked if they don’t win every cup they enter puts too much pressure on them and does not make for a healthy working mentality. For instance Fabio Capello, a man with a proven track record in the Champions League, was shown the door after one season despite having won the league.

Managers such as Capello were not given the time to make their own signings for the sake of building a football team. Instead presidents like Florentino Perez insisted on signing the biggest names in world football at the time: so-called ‘Galacticos’. Perez’s resurrection as president was welcomed at Madrid, but it should be remembered that in his first reign at the club, from 2000 to 2006, Madrid won the Champions League only once (in 2002, he was voted in after the victory in 2000).

When Perez took over he made some huge signings in Luis Figo and Zidane, but after the success in 2002 he became obsessed with the galactico model and made some oversights in the pursuit of it. When Real lifted the Champions League trophy in 2002 they arguably owed as much to Claude Makelele as they did to any of their flair players. Makelele’s prowess in the holding role allowed his team-mates to bomb forward while he plugged the gaps. When Perez showed that he did not value him highly enough when it came to negotiating a new contract, Makelele left for Chelsea in 2003 Real’s form dropped and they have not won the trophy since.

But Makelele was not the shirt-selling galactico that Perez craved. No, he wanted David Beckham, and (the fat) Ronaldo. Although Beckham’s transfer did pay for itself, he didn’t fit into Real’s formation. He is neither a defensive, nor an attacking midfielder but instead a wide or central midfielder more suited to a flat 4-4-2. He did well to force himself into the team by reinventing himself as a deep midfielder, but he helped the club off the pitch more than he did on it. Perez seemed to presume success on the pitch and concentrated on bringing in revenue from the new markets opened by Beckham’s worldwide appeal.

What Perez has done since his second coming is try to do the work in the transfer market he did in the six years of his first tenure in just one summer. The result is a team who have not been improved gradually, and have not bonded properly as a unit as they have had too many unfamiliar faces at one time. A good team is much more than a collection of individuals, yet this is exactly what we saw last week when Real could only draw 1-1 with Lyon and were sent crashing out at the first knockout stage again.

Money can’t buy you love; Cristiano Ronaldo fluffed a good chance when he shot against Lyon rather than to pass to Gonzalo Higuain who was much better placed to score. There is a good chance that Real Madrid, and Perez in particular, will not win the Champions League unless they learn to be patient. Real’s squad probably did need adding to when compared (as is always the case) to the treble-winning Barcelona, but as usual Perez bought the best footballers on the market rather than the footballers that Madrid needed in a tactical sense. Barca have a player perfectly suited to their system in every position. Real, meanwhile, bought big names such as Kaka and persist in playing him out of position. One quick comparison between his form as Milan’s central playmaker and this season out wide for Madrid tells you all you need to know.

For football fans who do not bow to the altar of Real Madrid there is a satisfying irony in the way that this season’s Champion’s League campaign ended for them: to an established team who overcame the galacticos of Madrid even though Real signed their best player, Karim Benzema, in the summer along with Ronaldo, Kaka et al. Even the impatient Perez cannot be so naive as to ignore the significance of this detail, can he?

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...Carrick holds the key to success in South Africa

Fabio Capello and England finally learned some valuable lessons from an international friendly last night, but none more so than that Michael Carrick is the key to exploiting the limited strengths of our national team in South Africa, as compared to the likes of favourites Brazil and Spain.

Firstly, significantly, England’s intensity did not drop in the second half, as it has done in non-competitive matches for years now. OK, everyone is playing for their places on the plane, but it is encouraging to see a friendly in which the pace did not let up until the final whistle, as it did too often under Sven and McClaren.

Next, if we are to play two up top, i.e. Rooney and A.N Other, that man must be Peter Crouch. Defoe is an instinctive goal-scorer but is so direct that top defenders can work him out. Defoe should go but as an impact sub, when his pace will carry more of a threat, as we saw with his two goals against the Netherlands last year. Carlton Cole is unproven at international level; Heskey can’t score goals.

Also: Frank Lampard and Steven Gerrard obviously cannot reproduce their club form for England, whether playing together or not. Gerrard is 29, Lampard 31. They haven’t done it so far. This may well be their last world cup. No room for sentimentality, with a coach as adept as Capello this is the best chance we have had since ’66.

I digress. The point is that England must play to their strengths. It has been proven that we can’t pass our way through teams due to an inherent lack of technical ability. The evidence is that every time we come up against a ball-playing team (Brazil and Portugal (twice) in competition, Brazil and Spain in friendlies) we are soundly beaten. No, our main strengths are these: two strong, ball playing centre-halves (if fit) in Terry and Ferdinand. One world-class forward. Pace. And I’m afraid to say that is it.

Ladies and gentlemen may I reveal the key to England’s slim hopes of winning the World Cup: the counter attack; the Catenaccio. The fact is that 46% of goals scored in open play at Euro 2008 were from counter-attacks. We are not Italy and do not have their patience, but we do have their best manager. Capello will be able to spend the longest period he has ever had with our squad just before the tournament begins. I’m not saying we must defend all game before we break (as that is not our nature), merely that the counter-attack is our best hope of scoring goals against top sides given the squad we have.

The key to the counter attack is to draw the opposing team in, win the ball and transfer it forward to the danger men as quickly as possible, in as few passes as possible, so as not to allow the opposition a chance to regain their shape. Think United’s goal away at Arsenal in the Champions League last season. This tactic involves vertical, not horizontal passes. Michael Carrick must play the holding role instead of Gareth Barry for this reason.

Carrick was a forward in his youth, his passing is forward thinking, more penetrative and more accurate than that of Gareth Barry, who spent many of his formative years at left-back. If the plan is to work Terry or Ferdinand must use their nous and aggression to win the ball, then offload it to Carrick to use his passing range to bring our pace into play: Ashley Cole (hopefully) and Glen Johnson bombing up from full-back, wingers such as Lennon/Wright-Phillips/Walcott/maybe Joe Cole getting beyond their men to add the width, Rooney waiting in the middle.

Gareth Barry has hardly put a foot wrong for England, but his slow, conservative passing style is not what we need against the best teams in the world. When Carrick came on last night England were more direct, and the goals began to flow. We may need a replacement left-back, a safe, left-footed player to provide cover for Ashley Cole. Stop hiding behind Crouchy, Gary, I’m looking at you.

You may be wondering who I would play with Carrick in the 4-4-2 England have proven themselves incapable of operating without. Steven Gerrard. Leave Lampard on the bench. In a blue shirt he would have buried the two clear-cut chances he had last night. In Germany in 2006 Lampard came into the tournament on great form with Chelsea and had the most shots of any player in the tournament but didn’t score a single goal. I for one am not prepared to let him repeat that feat. Give Gerrard a chance in his preferred position for once, but with Carrick behind him.