...Mancini loses his cool

Following recent complaints from several eyewitnesses Manchester City manager Roberto Mancini has had his cool confiscated in a dramatic dawn raid on his Manchester home. A police spokesperson said: “The cool was found stuffed inside a mattress along with a contraband guide to scarf-knotting and an illegally imported overcoat deemed too well-tailored to have been obtained in the UK.”


Her Majesty's Department of Cool have charged Mancini with gross misuse of the privilege of cool bestowed on him as an Italian visitor to the UK and have set a date for his appearance at the Court of Cool.

Mancini would have been appointed as manager of Manchester City much earlier than December last year but for the prolonged legal wrangling over his license to cool. A Manchester Airport security guard said: “Italian managers such as Fabio Capello have been allowed access in the past on the agreement that they surrender the privilege to act cool at any time.

“However when Mancini attempted to make the same pledge with one thumb tucked under his belt buckle whilst puffing nonchalantly on a Cuban cigar, an undercover DOC agent raised the alarm. Mancini was eventually granted a cool on the condition that he upheld the conditions of it throughout his visit to the UK.”

But this was not to be the case. Enrico Suarez, a freelance advisor to the DOC said: “While initially ticking all boxes of the DoC’s fit and proper persons test with the obligatory consummate ease, several suspicious events prompted the launch of a covert surveillance operation against Mr Mancini. Firstly the nickname of ‘Bobby Manc’ bestowed upon him threatened to seriously undermine his ability to fulfil the quota of cool required under the terms of his contract with the DOC, although admittedly this was not entirely of his doing.

“Then Mancini was pictured wearing what can only be described as a ‘parka’ jacket. The DOC tweaked up their alert coding up from paisley to fuschia amidst a collective tut from inside the official building, and Mancini’s cool seemed to have its days numbered.”

However, events last week proved to be the final straw for Mancini’s cool. With his side trailing 2-0 to Everton, a team threatening to beat City to the coveted fourth spot in the Premier League table and so seriously jeopardising the likelihood of a contract renewal with the DOC, Mancini lost it. He must have known it was only a matter of time before the DOC caught up with him.

Officers say when they burst into his bedroom after first locating the cool Mancini was a broken man, weeping into the dishevelled, once perfect knot of his old blue and white scarf.

...little David Beckham to miss school trip

I know I’m a big boy now and I’ve been trying not to cry but I’m still dead upset that I can’t go on the school trip to South Africa. Even though I got a gold star from the nurse for being brave my leg still really really really hurts, and it won’t be better in time.


I’m a bit older than most of the boys now and I know I can’t join in as much as the other summer trips I’ve been on, but Mr Capello said there would be some things I could help out with and said I could come because I’m always a good boy. He said I wasn’t too old to help out with deliveries for the trip and that I’m still as good at that as anyone.

He said as well that I could help Mr Pearce to safely prepare Emile for the other boys to feed off. Everyone knows that Emile is never dangerous really but if you do the right preparation boys like little Jermain Defoe in class N17 can feed off Emile for 90 or even 120 minutes and this can help him to have fun in South Africa!

Also some of the younger boys might need some advice with flying on the wings. Depending on whether their Mummies will let them go, Shaun Wright-Phillips in class M11, Theo Walcott in N5 and Aaron Lennon from Defoe’s class might all need help and advice from me before they get on the plane. It’s frightening to fly without your Mummy and Daddy to begin with but you get used to it, especially me after my big trips to Japan and Korea and Germany.

That was good because I was allowed to take my toy dog Wag with me to keep me company on the plane and to sleep with me at night. But that was when Mr Eriksson was headmaster. Now Mr Capello, the new headmaster, has said the boys aren’t allowed to take anything like that this time as it might distract them. But I didn’t really sleep with Wag much anyway because she’s old and baggy now and she’s really starting to smell. But I’ve had her ever since I was a very little boy and I don't want to throw her away no matter how ugly everyone says she is.

So me and Wag are going to have to stay at home. I might see if I can have Wayne Bridge over for tea. He’s not hurt at all and even though he did have a fight with John Terry in SW6 nobody can understand why he doesn’t want to go to South Africa. He’s a bigger boy like me and it might be his last chance too.

...how do you solve a problem like Madrid?

The fact that Real Madrid, recognised by FIFA as the most successful football club of the last century, have not managed to reach the quarter finals of the Champions League since 2004 is almost unbelievable. The team that swept all others aside as they won the competition three times in six years at the turn of the millennium are now unable to surpass a team such as Lyon, who have been struggling in Ligue 1 by their standards this season.


So what has changed since Real last lifted the cup in 2002? The club have lost players like Zinedine Zidane and Roberto Carlos, but even they did not leave until some time after (2006 and 2007 respectively). In my opinion the finger of blame can be pointed directly at the club presidency, both the presidents as individuals and the system that allows them so much power.

Each manager (or more accurately head coach given the nature of the hierarchy) that has been brought in have had the players to challenge for the Champions League, but have not had enough time to shape the team in their image. Requirements such as always playing ultra-attacking football and Raul’s untouchable position in the team (as well as his reported influence in the dressing room) mean that managers have often had their hands tied. Also the knowledge that they will probably be sacked if they don’t win every cup they enter puts too much pressure on them and does not make for a healthy working mentality. For instance Fabio Capello, a man with a proven track record in the Champions League, was shown the door after one season despite having won the league.

Managers such as Capello were not given the time to make their own signings for the sake of building a football team. Instead presidents like Florentino Perez insisted on signing the biggest names in world football at the time: so-called ‘Galacticos’. Perez’s resurrection as president was welcomed at Madrid, but it should be remembered that in his first reign at the club, from 2000 to 2006, Madrid won the Champions League only once (in 2002, he was voted in after the victory in 2000).

When Perez took over he made some huge signings in Luis Figo and Zidane, but after the success in 2002 he became obsessed with the galactico model and made some oversights in the pursuit of it. When Real lifted the Champions League trophy in 2002 they arguably owed as much to Claude Makelele as they did to any of their flair players. Makelele’s prowess in the holding role allowed his team-mates to bomb forward while he plugged the gaps. When Perez showed that he did not value him highly enough when it came to negotiating a new contract, Makelele left for Chelsea in 2003 Real’s form dropped and they have not won the trophy since.

But Makelele was not the shirt-selling galactico that Perez craved. No, he wanted David Beckham, and (the fat) Ronaldo. Although Beckham’s transfer did pay for itself, he didn’t fit into Real’s formation. He is neither a defensive, nor an attacking midfielder but instead a wide or central midfielder more suited to a flat 4-4-2. He did well to force himself into the team by reinventing himself as a deep midfielder, but he helped the club off the pitch more than he did on it. Perez seemed to presume success on the pitch and concentrated on bringing in revenue from the new markets opened by Beckham’s worldwide appeal.

What Perez has done since his second coming is try to do the work in the transfer market he did in the six years of his first tenure in just one summer. The result is a team who have not been improved gradually, and have not bonded properly as a unit as they have had too many unfamiliar faces at one time. A good team is much more than a collection of individuals, yet this is exactly what we saw last week when Real could only draw 1-1 with Lyon and were sent crashing out at the first knockout stage again.

Money can’t buy you love; Cristiano Ronaldo fluffed a good chance when he shot against Lyon rather than to pass to Gonzalo Higuain who was much better placed to score. There is a good chance that Real Madrid, and Perez in particular, will not win the Champions League unless they learn to be patient. Real’s squad probably did need adding to when compared (as is always the case) to the treble-winning Barcelona, but as usual Perez bought the best footballers on the market rather than the footballers that Madrid needed in a tactical sense. Barca have a player perfectly suited to their system in every position. Real, meanwhile, bought big names such as Kaka and persist in playing him out of position. One quick comparison between his form as Milan’s central playmaker and this season out wide for Madrid tells you all you need to know.

For football fans who do not bow to the altar of Real Madrid there is a satisfying irony in the way that this season’s Champion’s League campaign ended for them: to an established team who overcame the galacticos of Madrid even though Real signed their best player, Karim Benzema, in the summer along with Ronaldo, Kaka et al. Even the impatient Perez cannot be so naive as to ignore the significance of this detail, can he?

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...Carrick holds the key to success in South Africa

Fabio Capello and England finally learned some valuable lessons from an international friendly last night, but none more so than that Michael Carrick is the key to exploiting the limited strengths of our national team in South Africa, as compared to the likes of favourites Brazil and Spain.

Firstly, significantly, England’s intensity did not drop in the second half, as it has done in non-competitive matches for years now. OK, everyone is playing for their places on the plane, but it is encouraging to see a friendly in which the pace did not let up until the final whistle, as it did too often under Sven and McClaren.

Next, if we are to play two up top, i.e. Rooney and A.N Other, that man must be Peter Crouch. Defoe is an instinctive goal-scorer but is so direct that top defenders can work him out. Defoe should go but as an impact sub, when his pace will carry more of a threat, as we saw with his two goals against the Netherlands last year. Carlton Cole is unproven at international level; Heskey can’t score goals.

Also: Frank Lampard and Steven Gerrard obviously cannot reproduce their club form for England, whether playing together or not. Gerrard is 29, Lampard 31. They haven’t done it so far. This may well be their last world cup. No room for sentimentality, with a coach as adept as Capello this is the best chance we have had since ’66.

I digress. The point is that England must play to their strengths. It has been proven that we can’t pass our way through teams due to an inherent lack of technical ability. The evidence is that every time we come up against a ball-playing team (Brazil and Portugal (twice) in competition, Brazil and Spain in friendlies) we are soundly beaten. No, our main strengths are these: two strong, ball playing centre-halves (if fit) in Terry and Ferdinand. One world-class forward. Pace. And I’m afraid to say that is it.

Ladies and gentlemen may I reveal the key to England’s slim hopes of winning the World Cup: the counter attack; the Catenaccio. The fact is that 46% of goals scored in open play at Euro 2008 were from counter-attacks. We are not Italy and do not have their patience, but we do have their best manager. Capello will be able to spend the longest period he has ever had with our squad just before the tournament begins. I’m not saying we must defend all game before we break (as that is not our nature), merely that the counter-attack is our best hope of scoring goals against top sides given the squad we have.

The key to the counter attack is to draw the opposing team in, win the ball and transfer it forward to the danger men as quickly as possible, in as few passes as possible, so as not to allow the opposition a chance to regain their shape. Think United’s goal away at Arsenal in the Champions League last season. This tactic involves vertical, not horizontal passes. Michael Carrick must play the holding role instead of Gareth Barry for this reason.

Carrick was a forward in his youth, his passing is forward thinking, more penetrative and more accurate than that of Gareth Barry, who spent many of his formative years at left-back. If the plan is to work Terry or Ferdinand must use their nous and aggression to win the ball, then offload it to Carrick to use his passing range to bring our pace into play: Ashley Cole (hopefully) and Glen Johnson bombing up from full-back, wingers such as Lennon/Wright-Phillips/Walcott/maybe Joe Cole getting beyond their men to add the width, Rooney waiting in the middle.

Gareth Barry has hardly put a foot wrong for England, but his slow, conservative passing style is not what we need against the best teams in the world. When Carrick came on last night England were more direct, and the goals began to flow. We may need a replacement left-back, a safe, left-footed player to provide cover for Ashley Cole. Stop hiding behind Crouchy, Gary, I’m looking at you.

You may be wondering who I would play with Carrick in the 4-4-2 England have proven themselves incapable of operating without. Steven Gerrard. Leave Lampard on the bench. In a blue shirt he would have buried the two clear-cut chances he had last night. In Germany in 2006 Lampard came into the tournament on great form with Chelsea and had the most shots of any player in the tournament but didn’t score a single goal. I for one am not prepared to let him repeat that feat. Give Gerrard a chance in his preferred position for once, but with Carrick behind him.

...The Carling Cup Final: Charlie Says vs Colly's Call

Working in the same building as Stan Collymore has its ups and downs. On the down side my colleague is a big, strapping Brummie skinhead with a short fuse who upon first meeting me looked me up and down as a convict would fresh meat. On the plus side I get to hear his hilariously biased score predictions of any fixture involving his beloved Aston Villa.

This time, though, Big Stan isn’t so sure. His claret and blue troops meet my Red Army in the great battle of the, er, Carling Cup this Sunday and even with his partiality Stan feels that Aston Villa will need more than 90 minutes if they are to overcome Manchester United. Stan’s view as a fan is that Villa will nick it in extra time. His ‘objective’ view is that the match will go to penalties.

Before I reveal my own views, let’s take a look at the form. Villa have won two and drawn three of their last five games, including their 3-1 victory at home to Palace in the FA Cup last night. United have won three, drawn one and lost one. United won 3-0 at West Ham on Tuesday, meaning they will have had a day more rest than Villa, so Ferguson cannot blame fatigue as he did after his team were deservedly beaten by Everton on Saturday (even though Everton played in Europe on the same day as United did the previous week).

One of the aforementioned draws was between the two teams in question. The fact is this season Villa have taken four points from United, three of those at Old Trafford, the only league game they have lost at home all season. Both results were deserved and United will have to up their game if they are to retain the Carling Cup. Last season United had luck and, bizarrely, an ipod to thank for a narrow win against Spurs on penalties.

United have injuries to Rio Ferdinand, Ryan Giggs and Anderson to add to long-term absentees Owen Hargreaves and John O’Shea. Villa only have Nigel Reo-Coker injured, but their squad is smaller.

From a personal point of view this game is just that. I can still feel the pain as I ran upstairs to cry into my pillow. The year was 1994. I was a United-obsessed 10-year-old who had just seen my beloved team beaten and my favourite player, Andrei Kanchelskis (whose name was on the back of my shirt) sent off for a handball. For those who don’t remember, Dean Saunders scored the resulting penalty to seal the league cup final for Villa. 3-1.

The year was 2009. I was stood in the North Stand, much taller but only slightly more mentally developed. My team were beaten by a Villa side inspired by Richard Dunne, the former Manchester City captain. 1-0.

Over the years the moisture in my eyes has been replaced by that of a consolatory pint of beer, but the pain remains. I personally, predictably, think United will up their game and win this one. But Villa have not won a trophy in fourteen years. They’ll be right up for this and won’t give an inch. I don’t want a repeat of 1994. I’m watching the match in Derby (for some reason), and I’m sure the locals don’t want to see a grown man cry.

...old hands set the stage but the young gun snatches the starring role. (AC Milan 2- 3 Manchester United)

Manchester United survived a stern test from AC Milan at the San Siro last night but ultimately showed enough class to take an invaluable 3-2 lead into the second leg on home soil. In Wayne Rooney United possess a player capable of turning any game, a player who provided evidence here that he can reproduce his domestic form against world-class defenders with two clinical headed goals.


Leonardo, the Milan manager, belied his team’s conservative history and instead showed his Brazilian roots with an adventurous 4-3-3 formation. Another former Brazilian international, Ronaldinho, provided the spark early on with a mesmerising assault of flicks and tricks to add to his early killer blow: a first-time snapshot that took a deflection off Michael Carrick on it’s way into the United goal.

Milan’s technical ability looked to be too much for United as they were stretched again and again. Another goal might well have killed the English champions. Luca Antonini got in behind but dragged his shot wide. Rio Ferdinand brought down Ronaldinho in the box and was lucky to escape without punishment. Alexandre Pato's pace and trickery were a constant threat.

However, as Milan’s ageing legs began to creak the stamina and vigour of Sir Alex Ferguson’s side came to the fore. While Ji-Sung Park and Darren Fletcher provided the lungs, Rooney provided the class. Chances at the San Siro are often hard to come by and this result owed much to the calm head of United’s plucky Scouse talisman.

Although all the pre-match talk was about another United legend, David Beckham, his impact, like that of Ronaldinho’s, faded once the adrenaline ran short. Once a galactico, Beckham showed a lack of the mobility needed to play 90 minutes in the Champions League. Rooney is at peak of his physical ability and his star burns bright. The king is dead. Long live the king.

One of Leonardo’s predecessors at Milan, Fabio Capello, will surely have taken note of this latest evidence Beckham’s decline, and will also be hoping and praying, as Ferguson must, that Rooney stays fit. Without a Ronaldo to pass the baton to United lean hard on Rooney’s considerable shoulders.

Another fading force enjoyed a frolic with lady luck last night. After 36 minutes played Paul Scholes volleyed the thin air behind Darren Fletcher’s cross, the ball struck his standing leg and then the inside of the post on it’s way in for an equaliser against the run of play. Game on.

Whereas United initially seemed overawed by the occasion the second half saw Ferguson’s team find a focus to contrast the first-half blur. Their wingers, Nani and Park, were frustrated by Milan's tight marking early in the game but now found space as Milan pushed on with some of their players, Ronaldinho in particular, not chasing back. United now had room to manoeuvre behind Milan’s three out-and-out forwards, but it was an overdue substitution which helped them to inch ahead.

Antonio Valencia replaced Nani, whose frustrating form here belied the resurgence seen in recent weeks, and almost immediately provided the substance that the Portuguese did not. His cross to the back post after 66 minutes was headed back across Dida in the Milan goal and into the far corner by Rooney. United’s number ten had been quiet by his recent standards in this game but took his chance when it came, showing signs of the ruthless striker that Ferguson believes he has within.

Eight minutes later Rooney struck again with an emphatic header from a superb lofted pass by Fletcher through a stationary Milan back line. United had now found their rhythm and looked to have the game sewn up. They led by three goals to one and it was they who now set the pace.

However, a touch of naivety from the young Rafael da Silva left him out of position and allowed his Brazilian peer, Ronaldinho, to hit a low cross from United’s right flank for another past master, the substitute Clarence Seedorf, to meet with a cheeky right-foot flick on 85 minutes that left van der Saar with no chance.

The United fans’ chants of ‘cheerio’ were premature. With the San Siro crowd roaring them on Milan pushed forward once more. Tiago Silva headed an excellent chance wide of goal. Filippo Inzaghi, on for the ineffectual Klaas-Jan Huntelaar, fired just over the bar. United’s eleven backs to the wall were soon to be ten when Michael Carrick was shown a second yellow for kicking the ball away in time added on.

Ferguson’s team, however, held on for a final whistle that must have been music to his ears. His side ultimately worked a small miracle by scoring three in a match in which they were dominated for long periods.

Three away goals would normally be enough to kill any tie. But without the injured Ryan Giggs and the suspended Carrick there is a good chance Milan’s midfield could show their class at Old Trafford in the return leg, and every chance that their forwards will put away chances the like of which they missed in droves in the San Siro, should they be allowed to make them as frequently as they were last night.